I can't believe I haven't touched base since July! I didn't think my life was all that busy and it has been so long I can't even remember what had me stop. I do know I spent months knitting for 2008 Christmas and managed to get quite a few things completely for all 8 grandkids.
Today is the happiest, scary ist day. My daughter talked me into signing up for Facebook a week ago. Everyday has brought back people who are in their 20-mostly 30's that were church or school friends of my daughters. It is so much fun to see all of them grown now with children of their own. Then today I saw a name that I held dear 30 years ago. Don and Susan were in the same church as us and lived next door. They became fast friends........we believed the same things, homeschooled........have so many memories. It's nice to have good memories. Since the divorce 20 years ago, I lost touch with all of my friends. All were church friends and since I left the church and my husband....well, we believed that you still love the person but you don't socialize with them so it felt like I lost everyone in my life but my daughters. I had only one friend left. He was an elder and would check on me and the girls. Then, he made an inappropiate statement to me and my responce was that I had just lost my last friend and asked him to leave. A few months later my x married his childhood sweetheart. I had lost my trust in anyone, my friends, my church. I went through years of hard times and so did my daughters. We tried to find another church to go to and looked for years....even after the girls grew up and married. It has been 20 years since that divorce. How do you stop loving someone? God gave me my prayer and we were married but I don't think we were 'made' for each other and finally something happened (2 thing realy) and I came to believe I couldn't trust my hus to keep us safe anymore.
Over these 20 years, I have become a recluse. Once in a while I leave the house once a month but mostly, not at all. I have someone who does the things I need once a week. I did get therapy for 10 and it helped with a lot of issues. I had spent most of our marriage with us getting christian therapy and it didn't really help. I have, at last, come back to having peace in my home, being fine about living alone if that is what God wants for me. I am no longer mad at God. I have a lot of confussion over why God allowed so many tragadies but I may never know why.
Now Facebook is bring these people back into my life. It was nice to update our lives, so to speak but I still feel isolated and afraid. I committed a horrible sin in leaving the church and my husband. Left it all for about 6 months and then decided who I was and what I believe. God was all I had as a child in an abusive home and I know only He kept me alive. I knew he loved me and was my father and trusted Him to take care of me even though I was beaten, cut, sexually abused and never had any positive reinforcement by works or touch. My foster mother made it part of the agreement between her and her husband that we would never be hugged, kissed, praised, or told 'Iloveyou". My father kept that promise until the day he died when he told me 'I love you, sweetheart' . I'm not sure he knew it was me though.
God showed me HE has given me the gift of drawing. It just pours out of me and for years drawing was vital to me. I don't know what to do with it now. I stopped 3 years ago because I knew I was supposed to 'say' something with my art and the way I was emotionally, no one was seeing it but my daughters. I was also angry that all the good I was able to do happened after the divorce....3.87 gpa after 2 years of college and graduating with honors, recognition of my art came..........it all just seemed that is those things aren't shared and appreciated by someone else, it is like yelling in an empty forest. It means nothing. So I stopped drawing.
Well, I'll stop now......this is cruel to unload here. I am just so afraid if I should try a get together with these old friends..........I was told I would never marry and would go to Hell by some.
Oh, what a day...........I am on a rollercoaster of excitement and fear. (That's why I hate rollercoasters)
Enough
Nicer updates next time
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5 comments:
The reason why we go through these trials is cause we took that path. God never left nor will he leave. He is with us at all times. It's our choice to follow His footsteps instead of our owns. Those who are coming back into your life from some 20 to 30 yrs ago realize they made the same mistakes as we all do as humans. No one is perfect. However, to feel peace. They must repent and apologize to those who meant a lot to them in their life. Those who touch their hearts yet show no remorse when a simple task came along that might've been a difficult task for that one person who was then removed (or they removed themselves) out of a church of God.
Wow....I did a bit of preaching. o_O No, I'm not a preacher! I guess it's cause I can understand to a certain extent. Also! It's good to vent. If you don't vent and it bottles up, then that ain't good for ya. Anyway...talk to ya soon! ^_^
Hi! Just happened on your blog. Can't resist adding my 2 cents. My understanding of God is that we all have the unconditional love of God no matter who we are. It sounds to me like you have had more than your share of testing moments in your life. You are who you are and God loves you. Having these people return to your life via Facebook could just be God's way of showing the time has come for that to be a good thing. You always have a choice about what to do with the information.
One more thing. There is another blogger I read - a man who knits and who was also a victim of abuse as a child. You might like to visit him on line - I think he has a very clear point of view and is inspired; not to mention he knits lovely socks and raises really cute puppies. You can find him at:
http://www.colinknits.blogspot.com/
I only mention him and his blog since it seems you might like to read it; being that you don't go out much reading something written by a British person might seem like a little visit almost.
I will be thinking of you and praying about you. We are all children of God and deserving of God's love, no matter what course our lives have taken. Knit on!
Hi- just came upon your blog from a post you made to the ColinSockKAL:) It's lovely. I am so very sorry you have gone through so much pain and suffering. Hope you don't mind a few comments.
First of all, you may dismiss me when I tell you I do NOT believe you committed a horribly sin by leaving your ex-husband or your church. However, let's assume for argument's sake that you did commit a horrible sin. Let me ask you this: can you undo it? Of course not. Will God forgive you? She already has! You are not the sins you commit, you are you - a precious child of God who loved you and continues to love you unconditionally! I know this as sure as I know I'm sitting here in Maryland typing this up:)
Hugs,
Joan
Big Giant Bear Hug!!
I love ya!!
Birdy
Ouch, hard words for your to write, and hard years for your to live through. I'm on facebook too, my youngest is in the Marines and he told me that's the best way to keep up with him and see photos of deployments, means he does NOT have to write or get real pictures to send mommy. I hope wet and cold Washington doesn't' get you down too much, love the knitting. Do you follow Yarn Harlot? She's a great mood lifter.
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