Bad blogger..............

I can't believe I haven't touched base since July! I didn't think my life was all that busy and it has been so long I can't even remember what had me stop. I do know I spent months knitting for 2008 Christmas and managed to get quite a few things completely for all 8 grandkids.

Today is the happiest, scary ist day. My daughter talked me into signing up for Facebook a week ago. Everyday has brought back people who are in their 20-mostly 30's that were church or school friends of my daughters. It is so much fun to see all of them grown now with children of their own. Then today I saw a name that I held dear 30 years ago. Don and Susan were in the same church as us and lived next door. They became fast friends........we believed the same things, homeschooled........have so many memories. It's nice to have good memories. Since the divorce 20 years ago, I lost touch with all of my friends. All were church friends and since I left the church and my husband....well, we believed that you still love the person but you don't socialize with them so it felt like I lost everyone in my life but my daughters. I had only one friend left. He was an elder and would check on me and the girls. Then, he made an inappropiate statement to me and my responce was that I had just lost my last friend and asked him to leave. A few months later my x married his childhood sweetheart. I had lost my trust in anyone, my friends, my church. I went through years of hard times and so did my daughters. We tried to find another church to go to and looked for years....even after the girls grew up and married. It has been 20 years since that divorce. How do you stop loving someone? God gave me my prayer and we were married but I don't think we were 'made' for each other and finally something happened (2 thing realy) and I came to believe I couldn't trust my hus to keep us safe anymore.

Over these 20 years, I have become a recluse. Once in a while I leave the house once a month but mostly, not at all. I have someone who does the things I need once a week. I did get therapy for 10 and it helped with a lot of issues. I had spent most of our marriage with us getting christian therapy and it didn't really help. I have, at last, come back to having peace in my home, being fine about living alone if that is what God wants for me. I am no longer mad at God. I have a lot of confussion over why God allowed so many tragadies but I may never know why.

Now Facebook is bring these people back into my life. It was nice to update our lives, so to speak but I still feel isolated and afraid. I committed a horrible sin in leaving the church and my husband. Left it all for about 6 months and then decided who I was and what I believe. God was all I had as a child in an abusive home and I know only He kept me alive. I knew he loved me and was my father and trusted Him to take care of me even though I was beaten, cut, sexually abused and never had any positive reinforcement by works or touch. My foster mother made it part of the agreement between her and her husband that we would never be hugged, kissed, praised, or told 'Iloveyou". My father kept that promise until the day he died when he told me 'I love you, sweetheart' . I'm not sure he knew it was me though.

God showed me HE has given me the gift of drawing. It just pours out of me and for years drawing was vital to me. I don't know what to do with it now. I stopped 3 years ago because I knew I was supposed to 'say' something with my art and the way I was emotionally, no one was seeing it but my daughters. I was also angry that all the good I was able to do happened after the divorce....3.87 gpa after 2 years of college and graduating with honors, recognition of my art came..........it all just seemed that is those things aren't shared and appreciated by someone else, it is like yelling in an empty forest. It means nothing. So I stopped drawing.

Well, I'll stop now......this is cruel to unload here. I am just so afraid if I should try a get together with these old friends..........I was told I would never marry and would go to Hell by some.
Oh, what a day...........I am on a rollercoaster of excitement and fear. (That's why I hate rollercoasters)

Enough

Nicer updates next time